Introducing : Alcoholic Spice...

So I was over on Sarcastic Mom's Blog earlier today stalking reading, and ran across this cool Ning Group called Write Of Passage. It's a group of writers who are taking a challenge to not just write, but write better, and have their writing critiqued by other members of the group. (There's a widget in the sidebar to take you to the group if you are interested in checking it out.)

I have always considered myself a blogger, but a writer?? Not so much... So, it really kind of scares the crap out of me to join a group of writers..and call myself a writer..and put MY writing out there for THEM to read. (And judge.)

So.. The first topic up for writing is Most Embarrassing Moment Ever.

I guess I'll really have to rack my brains to find one of those..NOT!!

The majority of my life is a blur of one embarrassing moment after another. Some of the most notorious moments were fueled by heavy alcohol consumption so that makes them even harder to recall but I'll try really hard. ;-)

Introducing: Alcoholic Spice

The year was 1995, I was all of 19 years old,  and I had just started dating my husband Bart. We went to the mall and I walked into one of those Journeys shoe stores and my eyes landed on these shoes that I just HAD to have.  Remember those skater shoes called Vans? Well I found a pair of black PLATFORM Vans. My eyes danced with excitement as I picked them up. I got the clerk to bring me a pair in my size and tried them on and instantly fell in LOVE with these shoes.  I paid for the shoes and we left the store, of course with me wearing the shoes.

I am not a graceful person. I actually very much resemble a drunk bull in a china shop. Luckily, up until this past August my lack of grace had never caused me any serious injury, but that is for another blog.  I should have known beforehand that being a class A klutz and wearing platform shoes was a bad idea but I thought they were SO cool, and I thought I looked SO hot in them.

A couple of weeks later Bart and I went to the local neighborhood bar that we frequented a lot during that time before I gave birth to children and my life ended. There was a band playing that we knew and we were having a fabulous time.

I had gone into the ladies room which had ONE stall with a door that didn't latch.  I had also had a LOT to drink that night. I think in those days Goldschlaager was my drink of choice and I had had PLENTY of it that night.  I remember the floor being wet around the toilet a little which didn't help me either.

So here I am, sitting on the commode in my platform vans trying to pee, absolutely wasted out of my mind.

Next thing I know the band on stage starts playing a song I REALLY liked.. So I hurry up, wipe, yank my shorts up, and spin around to flush. All the while trying to dance in my platform shoes, on a wet floor, drunk, you see where this is going right...

BAM! My right foot goes right out from underneath me and my ass hits the (wet) floor like a ton of bricks. I am unfazed because I am obliterated so I scramble to try to get myself up off the floor by holding onto the stall door that doesn't latch..

Down I go again only this time I'm swinging from the door as it swings out from the stall and into some other poor unfortunate woman who was waiting to get into the stall. Somehow I manage to take her down like a wrecking ball and we're both lying on the floor in a heap.

I breathe my no doubt schnappsy (is that even a word?) breath into her face.. "Oh! Thorry! Let me halp you up!" And I YANK her up by one arm, and manage to slip yet again and go down almost pulling her back down with me.

She mumbles some words I can't quite hear or understand in my state and goes into the stall.

I pick myself up off the floor and leave the ladies room, tripping over my feet as I go out the door.

Once back at the stage where the band is playing I start dancing furiously, flailing my arms around and shaking my ass to everyone who would look at it, then I throw my arms around Bart and slur whisper into his ear that we should blow this Popsicle stand and go home and get freaky.

Once home I'm getting undressed and notice this strange brown spot on the back of my shorts.

Yes, that's right, in the process of falling not once but twice on the bathroom floor in a bar I had managed to sit in what I can only imagine was shit, which had covered a good portion of my right butt cheek of my WHITE shorts and was too drunk to notice until I got home.

And that my friends is the end of that story.

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Click below to read some other awesome Embarrassing Stories!