Introducing : Alcoholic Spice...

So I was over on Sarcastic Mom's Blog earlier today stalking reading, and ran across this cool Ning Group called Write Of Passage. It's a group of writers who are taking a challenge to not just write, but write better, and have their writing critiqued by other members of the group. (There's a widget in the sidebar to take you to the group if you are interested in checking it out.)

I have always considered myself a blogger, but a writer?? Not so much... So, it really kind of scares the crap out of me to join a group of writers..and call myself a writer..and put MY writing out there for THEM to read. (And judge.)

So.. The first topic up for writing is Most Embarrassing Moment Ever.

I guess I'll really have to rack my brains to find one of those..NOT!!

The majority of my life is a blur of one embarrassing moment after another. Some of the most notorious moments were fueled by heavy alcohol consumption so that makes them even harder to recall but I'll try really hard. ;-)

Introducing: Alcoholic Spice

The year was 1995, I was all of 19 years old,  and I had just started dating my husband Bart. We went to the mall and I walked into one of those Journeys shoe stores and my eyes landed on these shoes that I just HAD to have.  Remember those skater shoes called Vans? Well I found a pair of black PLATFORM Vans. My eyes danced with excitement as I picked them up. I got the clerk to bring me a pair in my size and tried them on and instantly fell in LOVE with these shoes.  I paid for the shoes and we left the store, of course with me wearing the shoes.

I am not a graceful person. I actually very much resemble a drunk bull in a china shop. Luckily, up until this past August my lack of grace had never caused me any serious injury, but that is for another blog.  I should have known beforehand that being a class A klutz and wearing platform shoes was a bad idea but I thought they were SO cool, and I thought I looked SO hot in them.

A couple of weeks later Bart and I went to the local neighborhood bar that we frequented a lot during that time before I gave birth to children and my life ended. There was a band playing that we knew and we were having a fabulous time.

I had gone into the ladies room which had ONE stall with a door that didn't latch.  I had also had a LOT to drink that night. I think in those days Goldschlaager was my drink of choice and I had had PLENTY of it that night.  I remember the floor being wet around the toilet a little which didn't help me either.

So here I am, sitting on the commode in my platform vans trying to pee, absolutely wasted out of my mind.

Next thing I know the band on stage starts playing a song I REALLY liked.. So I hurry up, wipe, yank my shorts up, and spin around to flush. All the while trying to dance in my platform shoes, on a wet floor, drunk, you see where this is going right...

BAM! My right foot goes right out from underneath me and my ass hits the (wet) floor like a ton of bricks. I am unfazed because I am obliterated so I scramble to try to get myself up off the floor by holding onto the stall door that doesn't latch..

Down I go again only this time I'm swinging from the door as it swings out from the stall and into some other poor unfortunate woman who was waiting to get into the stall. Somehow I manage to take her down like a wrecking ball and we're both lying on the floor in a heap.

I breathe my no doubt schnappsy (is that even a word?) breath into her face.. "Oh! Thorry! Let me halp you up!" And I YANK her up by one arm, and manage to slip yet again and go down almost pulling her back down with me.

She mumbles some words I can't quite hear or understand in my state and goes into the stall.

I pick myself up off the floor and leave the ladies room, tripping over my feet as I go out the door.

Once back at the stage where the band is playing I start dancing furiously, flailing my arms around and shaking my ass to everyone who would look at it, then I throw my arms around Bart and slur whisper into his ear that we should blow this Popsicle stand and go home and get freaky.

Once home I'm getting undressed and notice this strange brown spot on the back of my shorts.

Yes, that's right, in the process of falling not once but twice on the bathroom floor in a bar I had managed to sit in what I can only imagine was shit, which had covered a good portion of my right butt cheek of my WHITE shorts and was too drunk to notice until I got home.

And that my friends is the end of that story.

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Click below to read some other awesome Embarrassing Stories!

Christmas Season Ponderings..

As I sit here with my coffee, I'm thinking ahead to the upcoming Christmas season.  It brings about a certain feeling of both frustration and makes me feel just a little bit crazy.  It seems that for the past several years I've struggled a lot with finding my Christmas Spirit.

I remember clearly last year when we finally arrived home Christmas evening after all of the family gatherings and gift exchanging thinking..."Wow it's finally over." Then I was suddenly filled with a slight feeling of joy inside that I had come through yet another Christmas alive.  I actually joked with Bart all Christmas Season last year that all I wanted for Christmas was January 1st. For that year to just be over, fast forward through the holidays straight to the new year.

I wonder when it happened....

I wonder when I stopped getting excited about Christmas and instead started feeling a sense of dread and drudgery about the whole season.

Don't get me wrong, I love the whole food aspect of the holiday season,(Just take one look at my ass and you can TELL that.), but what I despise is the whole sense of consumerism in it. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, whatever you call it....people trampling each other for cheap plastic crap from china...I just don't get it!

You know when I do my Chritsmas Shopping? Generally between December 18th and Christmas Day. Payday is the 1st and the 20th for me so that's when I have money.

I always tell myself every year, "I'm going to get it all done before Thanksgiving.." and it never happens that way..EVER.

I don't use credit cards, I hate them, I think they are evil and get you into trouble. We're pretty much a cash only family, if you can't pay cash for it then you don't need it.  The exception to the rule on this is cars and really big items like our house. 

I know some people who spend literally THOUSANDS of dollars on Christmas on credit cards, and  struggle all year to pay it back. Sorry but that kind of takes all the joy out of it.  We buy what we can afford to buy and move on. It's Christmas, it's not worth going into debt or going hungry for.

I love giving gifts, but hate feeling like I didn't spend quite enough on people, and maybe they didn't like what I got them.  It's almost as if some people feel like the dollar amount you spent is equal to how much you care about them.

I generally make up HUGE batches of homemade fudge and other treats and package them up for gift giving. I'll give those to friends and family either alone as a gift or with something else as an add-on gift.

Getting gifts is great, but still makes me feel a little uncomfortable, especially if what I get from someone obviously cost more than what I spent on them. It's a vicious cycle.

A couple of years ago I said to hell with it all and just started buying Master Card Gift Cards from my bank for all of the people on my list 12 and over. It took a lot of stress out of my holiday shopping and I felt it was a great gift because then the recipient could go and pick out whatever they needed or wanted. (Our local bank offers Master Card Gift Cards with no hidden fees and no expiration dates. They make great gifts and you get them directly from the teller and they take the money directly out of your bank account when you purchase them. I think they make GREAT gifts, and it's a really great service.)

If you needed a tank of gas, or a haircut, or a lunch out, or a new sweater you could make the choice yourself what to spend the money on. I personally LOVE gift cards for anything.

As a matter of fact I have let it be known to all that might be shopping for me this year that I want gift cards for Lowes for Christmas. Why? Because for the past year I have been without a working dishwasher, and it would thrill my heart to no end to be able to put all of my Christmas Gift Cards together and purchase one.

Hand washing dishes for 5 people has become a nightmare chore for me, and my hands, and my nails. I can't even imagine how joyful it would be to be able to just load all the dirty dishes into a machine and close the door and walk away.  I think it would be downright heavenly.

Of course if I don't wind up getting a dishwasher for Christmas it won't be the end of the world. We'll just save our pennies and other change for awhile and get one ourselves.

And on that note I'm going to hit publish on this post and go and try to find something productive to do....there's plenty of dishes in the sink that need washin'!

Well Hello World...It's Me Again..

Yeah, I know what you're thinking...

"Isn't this like your FOURTH blog?!"

Yeah it is, what's it to ya??

I am NOTORIOUS for starting blogs and then abandoning them. However; my new years resolution for 2010 is to blog more regularly.. so I don't go absolutely insane....trust me..the stuff that circles around in my brain is better off here than staying upstairs in my noggin.

So yeah, this is my 4th or 10th or 100th blog. I won't bother and link you to the old ones because all of that is ancient history, and who likes to rehash old stuff? Ok sometimes I do, but that's beside the point.

If you come back regularly you can listen to me ramble incessantly about random stuff that happens in my world. (I know you want to right?)

So...pull up a comfy chair, grab your favorite beverage, and take a step inside my world.  I don't bite..(hard)